https://www.facebook.com/sangi.shankar/posts/10214778902962911
Of Weddings and Their Anniversaries:
"Celebrating with the love of my life. Here's to life-long true love. My hearts flutter every-time I see you."
These words don't speak to me anymore as I celebrate today my 16th wedding anniversary. 16 years back I got married without much of an idea as to what exactly it was that I was getting into. Life-long companionship & security were probably the top logical reasons. And of course heady, Shahrukh Khan types romance and love pulled me too as I have just 22 yrs. But now after 16 years, I think I have a much better idea of what it is. Or at least I can somewhat claim to.
And in this much better idea of what marriage is, a big portion is also a better idea of what is not. And top 2 things that figure in that list are the words " love" and "happiness". These 2 are the most over-rated words in the English language. We are misled from the very start by this idea that marriage is life-long love and happiness. Whereas its the exact opposite, isn't it?
Marriage is an experiment for us to understand and work towards love and happiness , rather than a given? Long time back I remember a conversation with my brother where he had a very interesting explanation of marriage - that it was two people who get used to each other. Used to each other's strengths & weakness , used to each other faults , used to each other's good and bad. This makes so much more sense than "happily ever after". Cause happiness itself is such a fleeting emotion. You are happy at 3.00 pm and then something happens and now at 6.00pm you are not happy to the same extent or degree. Its the same thing with love. Love isn't about what you feel towards someone as much as what you are willing to do for that someone. What are you willing to accept or willing to let go for the sake of being with someone- and this applies to all relationships whether partner, children , parents, friends etc... Somedays you are willing to do more, somedays less. And that more or less has little to do with what you exactly feel towards your partner, but more so about how much empowered you yourself are.
And that is the aspect of marriage that's least talked about. Its not as much about someone taking care of you , as much as it is about YOU taking care of yourself. Popular media makes millions on the idea of "true love". That there is someone out there who is typically projected as your partner , who will always be there for you, always love you and always take care of you. All these three promises are such a big lie. Cause this very thought rests on the premise that the "someone" has sorted everything for himself/herself that he/she can now unconditionally, equivocally take care of you. This is what puts so much pressure on a marriage these days.
Over these 16 years , having been in so many communities, I have had the precious gift of seeking help and being heard /seen from so many families and individuals that don't have any problems talking about the real issues of their marriage. And trust me that 99% of marriages or partnerships I've seen aren't about picture perfect love , but about two people who have ultimately accepted that taking care of themselves is the only way to a successful marriage. And that being in a marriage is for several reasons from financial security to giving the children a secure environment and the gift of both the parents. So its ultimately about 2 willing adults who have taken the decision to commit to be with each other for several reasons. This is EXACTLY what it is.
And in this commitment, you enjoy and experience attraction, lust, love, joy, excitement , adventure, contentment, success ,gratitude, purpose as much as you do disappointment, anger, rejection, lack of purpose, failure, boredom, lack of attraction , disgust and what not. Its a mix of EVERYTHING thrown in with a LOT of work.
There are days you are in perfect sync and in love with your partner , thanking the universe and yourself for having him/her as your partner. Also days when you are not at all in sync and wondering what the hell you were thinking about when you decided to get married to him/her? Don't we truly feel that? And really what's wrong with these emotions? Cause they are just that. Emotions or what you are feeling at that point in time and less to do with whether your partner is the " one true love" for you.
And now I feel like I finally truly understand what it means to wish someone "Happy Wedding Anniversary"- it means wishing someone the journey of experiencing life in all its glory with that chosen person.
Ancient cultures, particularly Vedic times understood this very well. That's why there are so many rituals in the Indian marriages that again and again succinctly remind you of what you are getting into. Some of the rituals I can remember off the top of my head were of us being fed both sweet and salty food to taste reminding us that our marriage will have its sweet and not so sweet moments. Me and Shankar were made to sit on a swing and gently swayed meaning that again life will have its ups and downs.
Also growing up I remember my grandmothers being SO practical about the idea of marriage. They NEVER talked about romance or love but did talk a LOT about patience and seeing what's right with the other person. Also guess what? They were smart enough to not seek their husbands for everything they needed. Husbands primarily were meant for sexual and financial security plus being the father of their children. For everything else they turned to their sisterhood.
To talk, to express, to vent, to bond, to affirm and be affirmed and to take care of all the true deeper needs of a woman. They understood truly that men weren't made to take care of the specification of endless hours of talk and empathy that a woman seeks. When a woman got married, she was coached and encouraged to make deep bonds with the other women in her family- the SILs, co-sisters, aunts, sisters, grandmothers etc...You had to have that group of women who saw you for who you were and handheld you through the workings of your new family. That's why in our marriage ceremonies, there is a ritual for most women to do. Its a neat way of saying that family and community work towards saving a marriage- not just the responsibility of the groom and bride to figure out marriage and life by themselves.
Men on the other hand are practical beings centered on solutions. They were hunter -gatherers who set a goal, achieved it and then enjoyed the fruits of its success. Meanwhile women focussed on building & raising-whether a family, a community or relationships. Which needs a lot of talking and listening. That's why family, community and relationships are SO vital for a marriage. Its not just upto the husband and wife or to the partners to figure it out. It ALWAYS TAKES A VILLAGE.
One might argue that things have changed - men are better and keen listeners now and women are also solution seekers. But no matter how much we claim to these changes, the truth is that the inherent nature of man and woman still remains the same. Men flourish by doing while women flourish by bonding.
And finally after all these years , I'm starting to deeply understand the importance of PURPOSE in a marriage. Our Vedic ancestors understood this very well. The ancient Indian idea behind a marriage was that of two beings coming together for three reasons: for the development of each other & family, for the development of society and finally for the development of self/union with God.
The second and third reasons have the sense of purpose in a marriage attached to it. Cause only when you a couple starts thinking about a cause or a purpose above and beyond one's own children and family does the marriage truly start to take off . As you start to see each other as instruments in a bigger plan. You start to see each other as being there for someone who is committed to his/her own spiritual growth and that of others. When a couple starts going down this path, then individual differences melt away. You no longer are for purely satisfying just each other but for helping/seeing each other as two beings headed towards his/her own enlightenment. Then all the factors that bring in tension in a relationship start to take on a new meaning as a utility that helps you and your partner towards the common goal. You start to look at each other's deficiencies as growth that needs to be made towards achieving the common purpose and not as a personal lack. Everything shifts .
A long post indeed on my wedding anniversary. But it's been on my mind for a long time now. And today seems the perfect day to pen it down.
So do wish us that on this day that me and Shankar will progress towards that purpose and goal that is above and beyond just us. Do wish for us and pray for us that our partnership has more clarity and more community that helps us grow as individuals . Do wish for us and pray for us that we continue to see what's best in each other and help each other to be that person we aspire for. Encouraging each other to understand and realize our purpose. Happiness and love have and will keep happening somewhere along the way.
)
Posting some photos from our wedding. Indian weddings are very colorful affairs filled with family and friends and tons of fun rituals. Also lots of serious vows that are taken for the 3 reasons I mentioned above. Almost every family member has a role to play. If you truly understood the rituals and all the chanting, you would realize it's meant for the whole community and family aspiring for much bigger things involving everyone's development. Its a heady affair filled with fun, family and purpose.
) I'll probably do a separate post on Indian marriages another time.
These words don't speak to me anymore as I celebrate today my 16th wedding anniversary. 16 years back I got married without much of an idea as to what exactly it was that I was getting into. Life-long companionship & security were probably the top logical reasons. And of course heady, Shahrukh Khan types romance and love pulled me too as I have just 22 yrs. But now after 16 years, I think I have a much better idea of what it is. Or at least I can somewhat claim to.
And in this much better idea of what marriage is, a big portion is also a better idea of what is not. And top 2 things that figure in that list are the words " love" and "happiness". These 2 are the most over-rated words in the English language. We are misled from the very start by this idea that marriage is life-long love and happiness. Whereas its the exact opposite, isn't it?
Marriage is an experiment for us to understand and work towards love and happiness , rather than a given? Long time back I remember a conversation with my brother where he had a very interesting explanation of marriage - that it was two people who get used to each other. Used to each other's strengths & weakness , used to each other faults , used to each other's good and bad. This makes so much more sense than "happily ever after". Cause happiness itself is such a fleeting emotion. You are happy at 3.00 pm and then something happens and now at 6.00pm you are not happy to the same extent or degree. Its the same thing with love. Love isn't about what you feel towards someone as much as what you are willing to do for that someone. What are you willing to accept or willing to let go for the sake of being with someone- and this applies to all relationships whether partner, children , parents, friends etc... Somedays you are willing to do more, somedays less. And that more or less has little to do with what you exactly feel towards your partner, but more so about how much empowered you yourself are.
And that is the aspect of marriage that's least talked about. Its not as much about someone taking care of you , as much as it is about YOU taking care of yourself. Popular media makes millions on the idea of "true love". That there is someone out there who is typically projected as your partner , who will always be there for you, always love you and always take care of you. All these three promises are such a big lie. Cause this very thought rests on the premise that the "someone" has sorted everything for himself/herself that he/she can now unconditionally, equivocally take care of you. This is what puts so much pressure on a marriage these days.
Over these 16 years , having been in so many communities, I have had the precious gift of seeking help and being heard /seen from so many families and individuals that don't have any problems talking about the real issues of their marriage. And trust me that 99% of marriages or partnerships I've seen aren't about picture perfect love , but about two people who have ultimately accepted that taking care of themselves is the only way to a successful marriage. And that being in a marriage is for several reasons from financial security to giving the children a secure environment and the gift of both the parents. So its ultimately about 2 willing adults who have taken the decision to commit to be with each other for several reasons. This is EXACTLY what it is.
And in this commitment, you enjoy and experience attraction, lust, love, joy, excitement , adventure, contentment, success ,gratitude, purpose as much as you do disappointment, anger, rejection, lack of purpose, failure, boredom, lack of attraction , disgust and what not. Its a mix of EVERYTHING thrown in with a LOT of work.
There are days you are in perfect sync and in love with your partner , thanking the universe and yourself for having him/her as your partner. Also days when you are not at all in sync and wondering what the hell you were thinking about when you decided to get married to him/her? Don't we truly feel that? And really what's wrong with these emotions? Cause they are just that. Emotions or what you are feeling at that point in time and less to do with whether your partner is the " one true love" for you.
And now I feel like I finally truly understand what it means to wish someone "Happy Wedding Anniversary"- it means wishing someone the journey of experiencing life in all its glory with that chosen person.
Ancient cultures, particularly Vedic times understood this very well. That's why there are so many rituals in the Indian marriages that again and again succinctly remind you of what you are getting into. Some of the rituals I can remember off the top of my head were of us being fed both sweet and salty food to taste reminding us that our marriage will have its sweet and not so sweet moments. Me and Shankar were made to sit on a swing and gently swayed meaning that again life will have its ups and downs.
Also growing up I remember my grandmothers being SO practical about the idea of marriage. They NEVER talked about romance or love but did talk a LOT about patience and seeing what's right with the other person. Also guess what? They were smart enough to not seek their husbands for everything they needed. Husbands primarily were meant for sexual and financial security plus being the father of their children. For everything else they turned to their sisterhood.
To talk, to express, to vent, to bond, to affirm and be affirmed and to take care of all the true deeper needs of a woman. They understood truly that men weren't made to take care of the specification of endless hours of talk and empathy that a woman seeks. When a woman got married, she was coached and encouraged to make deep bonds with the other women in her family- the SILs, co-sisters, aunts, sisters, grandmothers etc...You had to have that group of women who saw you for who you were and handheld you through the workings of your new family. That's why in our marriage ceremonies, there is a ritual for most women to do. Its a neat way of saying that family and community work towards saving a marriage- not just the responsibility of the groom and bride to figure out marriage and life by themselves.
Men on the other hand are practical beings centered on solutions. They were hunter -gatherers who set a goal, achieved it and then enjoyed the fruits of its success. Meanwhile women focussed on building & raising-whether a family, a community or relationships. Which needs a lot of talking and listening. That's why family, community and relationships are SO vital for a marriage. Its not just upto the husband and wife or to the partners to figure it out. It ALWAYS TAKES A VILLAGE.
One might argue that things have changed - men are better and keen listeners now and women are also solution seekers. But no matter how much we claim to these changes, the truth is that the inherent nature of man and woman still remains the same. Men flourish by doing while women flourish by bonding.
And finally after all these years , I'm starting to deeply understand the importance of PURPOSE in a marriage. Our Vedic ancestors understood this very well. The ancient Indian idea behind a marriage was that of two beings coming together for three reasons: for the development of each other & family, for the development of society and finally for the development of self/union with God.
The second and third reasons have the sense of purpose in a marriage attached to it. Cause only when you a couple starts thinking about a cause or a purpose above and beyond one's own children and family does the marriage truly start to take off . As you start to see each other as instruments in a bigger plan. You start to see each other as being there for someone who is committed to his/her own spiritual growth and that of others. When a couple starts going down this path, then individual differences melt away. You no longer are for purely satisfying just each other but for helping/seeing each other as two beings headed towards his/her own enlightenment. Then all the factors that bring in tension in a relationship start to take on a new meaning as a utility that helps you and your partner towards the common goal. You start to look at each other's deficiencies as growth that needs to be made towards achieving the common purpose and not as a personal lack. Everything shifts .
A long post indeed on my wedding anniversary. But it's been on my mind for a long time now. And today seems the perfect day to pen it down.
So do wish us that on this day that me and Shankar will progress towards that purpose and goal that is above and beyond just us. Do wish for us and pray for us that our partnership has more clarity and more community that helps us grow as individuals . Do wish for us and pray for us that we continue to see what's best in each other and help each other to be that person we aspire for. Encouraging each other to understand and realize our purpose. Happiness and love have and will keep happening somewhere along the way.
)Posting some photos from our wedding. Indian weddings are very colorful affairs filled with family and friends and tons of fun rituals. Also lots of serious vows that are taken for the 3 reasons I mentioned above. Almost every family member has a role to play. If you truly understood the rituals and all the chanting, you would realize it's meant for the whole community and family aspiring for much bigger things involving everyone's development. Its a heady affair filled with fun, family and purpose.
) I'll probably do a separate post on Indian marriages another time.
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